I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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