Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
should my penis look like a turkey
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
