Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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