I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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