First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
