They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
