No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
