why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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