i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
