My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize