he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
