We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
