I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
