whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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