I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize