It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
