Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
