Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
