I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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