Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
