I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
