im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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