Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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