I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
