no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
