So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
