And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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