i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
