I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
