apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
