How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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