He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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