also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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