A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Everyone says I win the strip club
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
