I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
