tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
smell my finger.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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