Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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