two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
