So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
