Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize