I just threw up on my dentist
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
