I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
COCAINE IS GR8
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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