Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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