Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
