just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
