Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
