Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
