I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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