I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
