Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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