New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
