If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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