I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
