I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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