I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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