Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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