Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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