Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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